Photography by Ebony Brown

My Heart Is Pregnant

When my heart whispered to me, “I’m Pregnant”, I knew exactly what it meant. In that very instant, I felt my life jolted from the reaching jaws of “jaded”, and I saw a vision of me loving hard and full and foregoing all of the unnecessary questions. Love just IS and no one can stop it.  And so, the image below is how I imagined my heart pregnant, with little baby buds, full of love growing all over it.

photo: ebony brown

sadbyebonybrownfotojunki

You Should Know Me

“You should KNOW me by now” and “You should KNOW that I love you” was something that someone said to me more than once. Q-tip in hand, I swab these words out of my ear in order to get a closer look.

How can we expect someone to KNOW us, or become acquainted with our true nature, our heart, our mind and ultimately our way of being, if a SOLID foundation is lacking ?  I’m talking about a foundation created from an extended period of shared experiences, built overtime, usually through regular contact (regardless of form, although in person is probably the best way).

Can we really expect someone to truly KNOW us and our better self, or good nature, or intentions, if there are simply not enough shared experiences between two people to reference? How should someone know that you love them if ALL that you used to do to SHOW your love to them has ceased, died and been long-gone, buried, in other words stopped?  Sure they can have faith and trust in your word, but for how long without something tangible like new memories and experiences and some form of “reaching out”?

If I ever feel the urge to tell someone, “You should know me by now,” instead, I’ll opt to create a beautiful memory by sharing my time, so that they may get closer to knowing me. Not only are they telling me that they don’t know me, they’re showing me, and if I love them, then, they are worth the effort.

If I get the urge to say, “You should know that I love you,” instead, I’ll opt to show it! I’ll show it by doing something that is obviously and undeniably full of love, WITHOUT condemning and rendering the person that I love “ridiculous” for expressing that they can no longer feel it from me, OR I’ll be honest enough to tell them the truth that the love is gone, if that is the case. What reason other than “no love left”, would anyone be OK with NOT making an obvious effort to SHOW love to someone that they still claim to love  especially when that person has expressed no longer being able to FEEL it? Is it really “neediness”, when we KNOW that we have indeed stopped ALL  ACTIONS, not one, not two but everything that we ONCE made the effort and took the time to do which ultimately conveyed, “I love you”? And so, how could anyone expect someone to KNOW that we love them, if we no longer show it in a manner that the person in our lives has experienced with us, along with other things including NOT being able to even bring ourselves to say the words anymore?

We should really consider how its possible for someone to truly NOT know US or NOT FEEL our love, rather than growing defensive, and badgering them for not knowing.

photo: ebony brown

Photography by Ebony Brown

Like Butterflies And Bocce

Today’s weather in New York City is like butterflies and bocce; bright, fun, full of spring!

The object of the game in Bocce is for a team to get/toss as many of their balls as close to a target ball than the opposite team’s balls.  I used to play this game with colleagues and it was so much fun.  Have you ever played?

Photos: Ebony Brown

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Judge Me Less

Who likes being judged overtly,  subliminally or even negatively? Not me! However, I will not let that stop me from expressing something that allows me to process, release and ease my mind – so long as I’m not harming anyone. In addition, its my hope that whatever I post or share here could potentially help someone else gain perspective of their own situation, or perhaps serve as some sort of support in knowing that there is simply another human being in the universe going through something that they may have gone through or are going  through currently.  It is never my intention to purposely offend or disrespect, and if I do, then you are welcome to share a piece of your mind with me, so that I may stand corrected –  I’m open.

[Photo: Kristin Price, an awesome human, took this quick snapshot of me in Washington D.C.'s National Park amongst the Cherry Blossoms]

LET-GO

Embracing The Unknown

I found myself contemplating the value of embracing the unknown pertaining to people, situations and things. This desire to know more than what is being shared or communicated with me is slowly, but surely becoming an evaporating preoccupation. Information that isn’t willingly or initially offered is probably either, none of my business, worth waiting for – minus the probing, or certified mental trash, namely stress. Embracing the unknown in all of these cases is simply choosing peace of mind over otherwise and recognizing such moments as opportunities for introspection.

Digging for explanations, confirmations,  or reasons for why someone may have said what they said, did what they did, or have made a certain decision is senseless when someone isn’t ready or willing to disclose whatever it is that we seek to know.  How we respond to this is indeed something within our control. It is very possible to be our own intervention, and to stop ourselves from diving, head first into our own self-conjured pool of assumptions or worry, due to perpetual, unsuccessful efforts in trying to get someone to “meet us halfway” to work things out.

My struggle is with the high degree of hope I usually have for cooperation and a willingness in the other person to be just as open to communicate with me, for the sake of working through or getting past a challenging time BEFORE it becomes evident that true communication is but a hopeful figment of my imagination. I’m naturally inclined to ask as many questions as I need and to  listen in order to reach a place of resolve and peace, and never with deliberate intent to offend, annoy or burden. Sometimes, I don’t realize that I’m contributing to someone’s stress with my need to know or understand something, and so I’m a work in progress in this regard.  I need not pressure anyone for anything they are simply unwilling to give – PERIOD.

Embracing the unknown is not giving up or caring less, it is immediately sensing  the mind wreckage waiting to swallow us whole, upon worrying and wondering too much and recognizing this in time to make a sharp turn in the opposite direction, towards something more open, willing and welcome – ourselves, including others perhaps. To embrace the unknown is to emerge from the darkness of burdensome worry and to enter the light of good energy, thoughts, actions and productivity.

[Image: glamquotes.com]

Lonely girl and a beautiful view Jernej Gartner

Defeated?

Collapsed, I am skin and bones, stoic, at the end of my bed and wits. I am outer body experience, opened arms, looking down at my palms, watching each finger close and squeeze into fist, speeding the bleeding of my slit open wrists. Am I defeated? Blood runs, and YOU slowly drip from my veins and I need every unwilling drop of you, out of me, right away. In retrospect, it was like you weren’t even supposed to be here, or I there, in the first place, but you got in, and HOW doesn’t matter because you’re here, like tree, deeply rooted within me. My heart learned your name, and I promised you that I wouldn’t leave. Was I naïve or plain stupid, or  just preparing for the strength that I’d later need, for our intimate turned, distant, platonic friendship or nothing? My heart was like sun and soil, but never enough water for you to absorb and believe, neither was it enough for you to  stick, stay and grow with me, like bark strong, with both feet planted firmly.

This ball of weeping flesh in my chest, drops down to its knees to unlearn your name and touch. My heart murmurs and chokes on its own blood, gasping, and attacking, and beating itself up, each time my mind drifts and skinny dips into warm thoughts of you, immediately escorted out of me through two, open, almond shaped, teary wounds – my eyes. My face is leaking and dripping, and tears are sticking and stinging my skin. Eyes so red, but continuously misread by you over and over again because you wouldn’t even look at them. They sit still in tear puddles of your tiding and receding truths , along with my own, urging me to purge whatever I need to, so that I could rethink, detach and get up from this fall that took me so long,  which makes  no sense  to stay within, without you. How does one undo, in love?

Tears curl up under my lips, and I can taste the salt, so I spit, and I cough, and I gag and begin to vomit, throwing you up from my heart, mind and soul; its true that my body was very slow to accept you, and you were patient, I appreciated it. I drag the back of my hand across my mouth, causing my supple skin – my lips to crack, redden and release these carefully created, kiss stained memories, meticulously placed, whenever you opened yourself up to me and when stranger wasn’t my name – but now it is, in a way.  Wrists still bleeding, I’m gravely weakened, but I won’t be defeated. On the floor, I crawl, pulling my weight  in search of needle and thread, I’m out of breath, and I realize that I can’t cut and bleed you out of me without ending me, and I want to live, and so I will…

Needle and thread found, it was in my mind all along and so,  I commence sewing my skin, tears falling, eyes burning,  my breath – intermittent, my blood drips nourishing seeds of love that I’m graciously sowing beneath my surface. Its true that love starts from within and when we acknowledge this we become closer and closer to our own healing. I am healing…

[Image by: khanheart4u.blogspot.com]

Rope Breaking on Man Holding Stone Heart on Hillside

Dear Love

Dear Abandoned Love,

Forgotten Love

Tough Love

Sweet Love

Heavy Love

Stubborn Love

Tossed Love

On Pause Love

What Feels Like Lost Love

Or A Lot Of Work Love

Tabled Until The Next Time, If there Is A Next Time Love

Remember  It, Feel It , Share It, Then Act Like It Never Happened Love

Like Sting, Stab,  Burn And F*ck Your Head Up, But Stay Focused Love

Erratic, Ambiguous, Misleading, Off/On Switch, Which One Are You Today? Love

Excited, Electric, Heart Pounding One Minute, Then Retreat For Months, Return, And Treat Me Like… Stranger Love

Like Hide, Push Away, Then Deny That You Do This, And Disguise ALL Reasons In “I’m Busy”, And You Are, But There’s More To It Love

Like One Foot IN, And One Foot OUT;  A Figment Of My Imagination That This Is Happening Love

Like Leave You Alone Until Alone Is Not Enough, And Then We Commence That Back And Forth Unstable Love

Like Say Nothing,  Let It Die Off, Reincarnate, Be Discarded And Born Again Or Not Ever Again Love

Like This Too Shall Pass, Tears In Eyes, But I Wipe Them Fast In Order To Work And Not Burden You Love

Like Write It,  Sing It, Act It, Sweat It Out! Whatever Happened To Talking It Out Face To Face Love

Twitter, Facebook, Skype, Email And Text Are Awesome Ways To Connect, But You Can’t Truly Determine Tone, Truth, Or Intent, Especially When Upset, And Rather Than Speak In Person, You’ve Chosen To Assume Things And Stand By Them, How Could You Love?

And No, I Wasn’t Perfect, But Did I Deserve This? Regardless Of What You Think, I Do Take Responsibility For My Part In It, Starting With That Day On The Bus – I Didn’t Forget – I Never Meant To Hurt You, But I Did Love

And I Can Only Hope That One Day You Somehow Recognize That Not Everyone Becomes OR Remains Resentful, Mad, or Contemptuous At A Past Occurrence That May Have Been Originally Upsetting For Them As You Somehow Convinced Yourself  Of And Concluded About Me Love

No. Everything Is NOT Your Fault. Take That In. Please Do Not Assume That I Think That It Is. Please Do Not Assume That You KNOW Exactly What I Think or Feel, Even As You Read This, Because Its Past Tense,  And I’ve Grown Since Love

Though I Have No Control Over What You Do, I Do Remain Hopeful That It Makes You Happy Love

And so I Reset, Restart, I Begin Again, And I Apologize For Any Hurt That I’ve Caused You. Our Shared Experience Was A Blessing Regardless Of The Hardships, And I Remain Thankful For The Lesson, So Thank You Love

Despite It All, My Broken Heart Will Mend And I Won’t Be Jaded Or Afraid Of Loving Or Letting Another Human In And Feel My Love

Hopefully, We’ll Both Love Better Than We Did The Last Time, Each And Every Time We Are So Fortunate To Encounter True Love

-Ebony Brown

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