Collapsed, I am skin and bones, stoic, at the end of my bed and wits. I am outer body experience, opened arms, looking down at my palms, watching each finger close and squeeze into fist, speeding the bleeding of my slit open wrists. Am I defeated? Blood runs, and YOU slowly drip from my veins and I need every unwilling drop of you, out of me, right away. In retrospect, it was like you weren’t even supposed to be here, or I there, in the first place, but you got in, and HOW doesn’t matter because you’re here, like tree, deeply rooted within me. My heart learned your name, and I promised you that I wouldn’t leave. Was I naïve or plain stupid, or just preparing for the strength that I’d later need, for our intimate turned, distant, platonic friendship or nothing? My heart was like sun and soil, but never enough water for you to absorb and believe, neither was it enough for you to stick, stay and grow with me, like bark strong, with both feet planted firmly.
This ball of weeping flesh in my chest, drops down to its knees to unlearn your name and touch. My heart murmurs and chokes on its own blood, gasping, and attacking, and beating itself up, each time my mind drifts and skinny dips into warm thoughts of you, immediately escorted out of me through two, open, almond shaped, teary wounds – my eyes. My face is leaking and dripping, and tears are sticking and stinging my skin. Eyes so red, but continuously misread by you over and over again because you wouldn’t even look at them. They sit still in tear puddles of your tiding and receding truths , along with my own, urging me to purge whatever I need to, so that I could rethink, detach and get up from this fall that took me so long, which makes no sense to stay within, without you. How does one undo, in love?
Tears curl up under my lips, and I can taste the salt, so I spit, and I cough, and I gag and begin to vomit, throwing you up from my heart, mind and soul; its true that my body was very slow to accept you, and you were patient, I appreciated it. I drag the back of my hand across my mouth, causing my supple skin – my lips to crack, redden and release these carefully created, kiss stained memories, meticulously placed, whenever you opened yourself up to me and when stranger wasn’t my name – but now it is, in a way. Wrists still bleeding, I’m gravely weakened, but I won’t be defeated. On the floor, I crawl, pulling my weight in search of needle and thread, I’m out of breath, and I realize that I can’t cut and bleed you out of me without ending me, and I want to live, and so I will…
Needle and thread found, it was in my mind all along and so, I commence sewing my skin, tears falling, eyes burning, my breath – intermittent, my blood drips nourishing seeds of love that I’m graciously sowing beneath my surface. Its true that love starts from within and when we acknowledge this we become closer and closer to our own healing. I am healing…
[Image by: khanheart4u.blogspot.com]
This is deep. It sounds very similar to a blog I posted called Unrequited Love. This is the worst kind of love but it feels so right, very familiar. Trust me I know it all too well. Dam, I just read it twice. Smh
I’ll have to check out that blog post of yours. Thanks for reading this post twice! Actually, thank you for reading it at all! Your presence here feeds me in ways that inspires and drives me to keep writing and being as open and expressive as possible. Thank youuuuuuuuuu!
Ebony, that was so beautiful. I am lost for words. I promised you I would never say this again, but your words/thoughts do not seem human. Sometimes your writing send a chill up my spine. Again, again, and again I read a lot, I tune in to other blogs, but no one writes quite like you. I feel so funny after some of your blogs, not funny ha ha; but funny peculiar. You are truly a special person.
Its amazing how ONE, SOLE, SINGLE, SOLITARY individual, or even least expected individual can expand the breadth, depth, will, and gifts of another person by simply acknowledging them, believing in them and being brave and secure enough to let them know it. I could cry. Thank you for being that person for me in this moment. Your last comment just absolutely took my breath away.
Ebony Brown you have done it again…..I absolutely LOVED it. Yet another work of art you’ve created. I could feel the raw, emotional passion you put into this; so open, real and thought-provoking.
The way someone can play with your emotions, tug on your heartstrings and trick your soul into thinking they’re there for you……and the lengths our hearts, minds, bodies, souls and being will go to to “UNLEARN” the pain that has been wrought upon us.
KINGofME! Thank you plenty. I must clarify something. They say believe people when they show you who they are, and he TOLD me who he was and I did not heed, we seemed to be very much a like. Anyway, I played a part in the outcome as well, so lesson learned.
Wow Ebony this poem was so moving! You’ve inspired me to write. I would love to hear your voice with this piece. This is so raw and open.
Latanya, that means so much to me, coming from you. I can’t wait to hear the piece that you create! Do share. When I get the nerve to share my actual voice you’ll be the first to know. Going to your events, has inspired my desire to write and eventually share my words out loud again and so…in due time.
Aw sweety your voice should be heard. You’re gifted. You can touch so many with the sound of your voice. Thank you so much for sharing. I’m looking forward to reading more.
I’m performing at Hue-Man bookstore on March 20 th I hope you can make it.
Thanks La! Hearing words like the ones you’ve just shared really does something for my spirit. I will heed and take it all in and put it back out into the universe in the best way that I can to keep the momentum going. BTW, what a spring treat to see YOU perform! You will radiate on that stage! Oooow! I’m looking forward!
“it’s like fire, it’s like raw meat, it’s like blood…..” You finally started the process of moving on. Learn from this. End the cycle……….. NOW…………. and FOREVER
Lol, you’ll never leave that old poem alone! And there was no “Meat”silly! Anyway, hush up ya face!
Snap Snap Snap, Been there the taste of love that is not returned. Know this feeling all to well. portrayed Perfectly on paper Ebony. <3 <3.. We live we learn only to do it all over again. Stay blessed and inspired.
Awww… Thank you Jus for visiting and reading and leaving a piece of your heart here…much appreciated! Unreturned Love? I think that he and I simply spoke two different languages of love, not entirely different but enough that there was miscommunications in receiving what each other was doing or saying as a demonstration of love.
intensely descriptive thoughts. very powerful writing. you are very gifted.
Thank you G.!